I CAN MOONWALK!
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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