my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
