The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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