I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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