My Higher Power is John Stamos
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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