Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
