I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
