If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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