His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
