I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
