I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
