How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
