i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
