@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
