he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
