I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
