apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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