my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
