Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
