Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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