the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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