The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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