there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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