dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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