Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
