I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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