I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
