At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
