My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
