Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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