If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
