It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
