You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
