Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
