trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
