how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
