So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
