I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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