I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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