She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
