things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
