He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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