Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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