3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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