my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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