there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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