..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
