Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
