I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
