they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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