Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
