So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
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The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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