Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
