I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
