My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
