My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
