i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Semen is not good for contacts.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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