I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
